How could I
by kathfire
Summary: when the entire crew starts to hate Janeway, she's not sure life is worth living anymore


Disclaimer: Paramouth owns the characters but the story is mine.  
  
My English is horrible (I'm Dutch), but I try. Story is set somewhere in season 5  
  
How could I?  
  
Captains private log, stardate... Who cares? It doesn't really matter, right? If I look back at the past few weeks, I realise that I don't care about anything anymore. Did I make the wrong decision? Was the danger I saw, not there? I grow less sure about the decision I made every day. Every night, I wonder whether or not it was right, and every night I tell myself that it doesn't matter whether it was right or wrong, I thought it was right. I made the decision and I can't reverse it.  
  
Several weeks ago we found a way home, no deception, just a straight way home. A device, like the catapult, belonging to the alien we encountered a few months ago. But this time better, and bigger. It could shoot us directly into the Alfa quadrant, in just a few hours. Everybody knew this was what we had been waiting for. Everybody thought that we were going home. Even I did, and then... then I found out that it was already pointed directly at the Alfa quadrant. That was strange, to say the least. But I didn't really pay attention, until... until I found out who had made it: Species 8472. I thought we'd seen the last of them, but apparently not. Over the last months we heard some rumours that species 8472 was active in this part of the quadrant, but since we never met them, we believed it to be just rumours, but now...  
  
I saw only one possibility: they were still planing to invade the Alfa quadrant and they were going to do it with this device. I couldn't let that happen. The risk was too great. So I gave the order to destroy it...  
  
Again I made the decision. Chakotay told me the crew wouldn't accept it, not again, not this time. I explained to him why I had done it. And he... he said I was paranoid, that I saw danger where there wasn't any. And now... Now I am alone. Everybody hates me, everybody, even Tuvok in his own weird way.  
  
First Commanders private log: The mood aboard this ship isn't exactly nice. I can't blame them. I also thought I was going back. I thought this damned journey was finally over. But now, sixty more years to go! Or something like that. I don't see it. Why didn't she use that device? Why did she have to destroy it? There was no threat, at least not anything Starfleet couldn't have handled. But she did it again. And I hate her for it, the damned woman. Is she going to do this every time we find a shortcut? I find myself thinking of mutiny more and more often. I want to go home, everybody does! When I listen to the people talking in the mess hall, turbolifts... I know everybody is thinking the same. We want to go home. Maybe a mutiny is just a matter of time. Maybe...  
  
When I enter the mess hall everybody stops talking. Everybody looks at me like I am a stranger, someone they hate. 'Oh, there is the captain', I can see them thinking, 'the person who took our homes away from us.' I can see the hate in their eyes and it makes me want to turn around, but like every time, I don't. I get something to eat, and have dinner alone. Again I don't even touch my food. When was the last time I actually ate something? I can't even remember. I'm just not hungry. I wonder why I still go here. Why not stay in my room? But I guess that'd be just the same as admitting defeat, admitting I need them. Oh, I do, but in a different way then what they are doing now. They take my orders and follow them to the letter. But they don't look at me, they don't talk to me. Like I'm not here. I get up and leave the mess hall. I go to my room, climb in a chair, and stay there looking at nothing, just sitting...  
  
Why does she still come to the mess hall? Can't she see that she isn't welcome? Today I've talked to B'elanna, she heard people talking. If there will be a mutiny, people will follow me, Starfleet and Maquis. Everybody will follow. They're just waiting for a sign. I told her I wasn't planning a mutiny, yet!  
  
It's 0200 hours and of course I can't sleep. It feels like it has been ages since I had a proper nap. I find myself thinking more and more about suicide. I just can't help it. It seems to be the only way out. And who would care? I know they are only a few steps away from mutiny. So why don't I make things different by making an end of this? That way, if they ever get home, they won't be court-martialled, they will be welcome, they will be home. I don't really have to go home, but they have to, I have to get them home safely, and in a way, my death is the only way to accomplish that. Oh shut up, I don't want to think, I want to rest, but every time I try, my mind starts racing and I can't stop it. But dead people don't think, right?  
  
I'm at the bridge, Kathryn is late. I wonder whether or not she will show up at all. The doors open, she enters the bridge, carefully avoiding looking at anybody. She sits down next to me, but I ignore her, like I usually do. I wonder if she understands how much everybody hates her.  
  
I enter the bridge, even the usual "Captain on the bridge!" doesn't sound anymore. I sit down, carefully avoiding Chakotay. I don't want to see him, I don't want to see the way he looks at me, his cold gaze, I hate it. The last time I looked at his face has been longer than a week. For all I know he's got a beard by now. Suddenly Harry's voice sounds. "Two ships approaching. They are attacking ma'am." Another thing, that ma'am, they know I hate it, but even captain seems to be way to nice for them. I order to raise shields, suddenly the ship rocks and I loose my balance, I loose my balance, I feel a sharp pain in my head, than nothing...  
  
The ships rocks, But there is nothing to worry about, they are really no match for us. Kathryn falls, I try to grab her in a reflex but fail, she falls with her head against a chair and looses conscience. I transport her to sickbay and we stand down red alert. The battle is over. "Nice work, Chakotay", I hear. "It almost looked like an accident." I look at B'elanna in disbelieve. Does she really think I pushed Kathryn? I look at the others and I realise they are thinking the same. My God, what am I doing? I would never intentionally hurt Kathryn. Did I really push her? I go to the turbolift. "Sickbay..."  
  
I regain conscience in sickbay. I'm looking at a pretty worried face, the Doctor's. "Captain, how are you feeling?" I hear myself saying I'm fine, though I feel far from fine. "Captain, when is the last time you have had a decent meal, or a decent nap?" "I don't know, I have too much to worry about." Stupid answer Kathryn, very stupid, I'm telling myself. "I suppose the worries are about the attitude of the crew towards you? They almost seem to hate you, Captain." Then I can't handle it anymore, hearing him say this makes things so... so definitive. I do what I told myself I would never do. I burst into tears. This is just too much to take. Then Chakotay enters. I see him look at me, totally astonished. Well he got what he wanted. "I'm going to my quarters", is all I can manage to say and leave quickly.  
  
I had expected everything but this. Somehow I never saw Kathryn as a person who would cry. She just didn't strike me as that kind of person. I don't know what else to do but to turn around and leave.  
  
It's late but I can't stop thinking of the lovely dark in my head when I was unconscious, no thoughts no worries no nothing. I wish I could live there... Maybe I can, maybe I should. I look out of my window and then I see it. It's horrible. The remains of ships and planets! The whole sector has been destroyed and I don't have to ask who did this. I know the answer and I know something else: I did make the right decision! Only I just can't live with it. I can't live with the hate. But now I know I did the right thing. Suddenly everything seems so clear. I am going to make an end to this, an end to my life. After one more gaze out the window I go to sickbay. "Computer, deactivate the EMH". "EMH is already offline" Good, is all I think as I walk to the table with the hyprosprays. I know how to do this, I took chemistry, I am a scientist. Now I'm holding the hyprospray that will make an end to the hate and the pain. I'm not nervous, I'm just very calm. When I put it in my neck I feel nothing, just a little cold and then I fall on the floor. I close my eyes and wait for death to come...  
  
I'm starring at the screen and I can't believe what I am seeing. Everything is destroyed, the entire sector. And suddenly I realise what Kathryn had been saying. She said this was what would happen to our homes. If she hadn't made that decision, we might have been staring at the Alfa quadrant by now, destroyed... Suddenly I feel there's something wrong. Kathryn... I need to find her. I don't understand why I am in such a hurry, I just am. I need to find her. "I'll be with the Captain," is all I say as I leave the bridge. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway." "Captain Janeway is in sickbay". I order the turbolift to go to sickbay. When I enter I see her lying on the ground, I quickly kneel down beside her and give her a gentle shake, but she doesn't react. Suddenly I notice she is holding something in her hand, it's a hyprospray. I check for her pulse but I can't find one, I activate the Doctor and can only hope I'm not too late...  
  
It has been two days, but Kathryn still hasn't regained conscience. The Doctor did what he could to save her, but it's hard to save a person who doesn't want to be saved. I remember the look on the faces of the senior officers when I told them. My words had been simple. They were all shocked, of course they were, they all realised what they had done, just like I did. I wish Kathryn would wake up, but she is still in a coma, I now realise that I can only try to command this ship, but I'll never be it's captain. It's Kathryn's ship, she is the captain, not me, she just has to wake up. "Doctor to Chakotay, the Captain just woke up". I get up and go to sickbay...  
  
When I wake up my first thought is, I'm not dead. When the Doctor tells me it was Chakotay who found me just in time, it surprises me. I'm not sure anymore, whether or not I want to die. Maybe I don't... Chakotay stands in front of me. He smiles at me and somehow I manage to smile back. He only asks one thing. "Why, Kathryn?" "What's life when everybody hates you?" I answer. I can see the pain in his eyes, the worry. "I must admit I hated you for the decision you made, but now... I realise I was wrong. I saw what they did to this sector. My God Kathryn, if you hadn't decided... Can you forgive me, can you forgive me after everything I've done? I want you back Kathryn, I want us to be friends again." All I can do is look at him. My voice is shaking when I answer him. "Yes, I can, I've missed you. I know now how much I depend on you." He smiles. "Thank you, but you also have to promise me something. Promise me you'll never try to commit suicide again. Together we can face anything." I'm to tired to do anything but smile and nod. As I close my eyes I can feel a soft kiss, "sleep tight Kathryn" I hear, just before I fall asleep.  
  
When I wake up the next morning I see Chakotay in a chair beside my bed, he's asleep. I reach out and gently squeeze his arm. He opens his eyes and smiles at me. "Have you been here all night?" I ask. He smiles and noddes. "It didn't feel right to leave you alone here, you have been alone for far to long anyway." Now I'm the one who's smiling. "I'll be fine Chakotay, just go and take care of my ship till I'm back on my feet." "Are you sure?" he answers, "I'm sure Chakotay, as long as you are with me I'll be fine, I love you..."  
  
I look at her, a little shocked, did she really say that? I guess she did, wow! "I love you to", I gently kiss her and then go to the bridge, she'll be fine, I know that now, I'll be fine, we'll be fine, forever...  
  
The end.  
  
Please review!  
  
(this story appeared earlier on the J/C story index) 


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